Thursday, December 2, 2010

Dear Granna,

I can't believe the holiday season is here. I don't know what happened to me, but I can't get in the spirit anymore. I used to get excited about Christmas and presents and everything, but lately... I don't know. It just reminds me how I don't have anyone to really celebrate Christmas with. Being the only "single" one in the family, with no one I am dating, no long term partner, no one to wake up with... I guess it just loses the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I like spending time with my family, but it's not the same as waking up in someone's arm and whispering "Merry Christmas," or jumping up and down on a bed and claiming that Santa came. I'm sure I'll have passion for it again someday when I have my own children waiting for Santa, but right now... I don't know, I don't know how to pep myself up.

I have been trying to take care of life lately, get things back in order... My drugs aren't helping me stay stable, so I'm trying to get in to see a Psychiatrist and hopefully get some therapy to help me deal with my unrequited love situation, my abandonment issues, the whole deal. So if I can get my drugs worked out, then therapy should be easy. I know what I need to work on, I just need help making it happen. There's just so many things I haven't accomplished yet and it makes me disappointed in myself. I don't have a career. I don't have a house or a husband. I don't have any children. And Jen makes sure to remind me every time she sees me of my failures. Is it too much to ask to be supported by your family? Instead of beaten while you're down? I'm trying my best. This world is not as easy to survive in as everyone thinks it is. I'm equally as unhappy that I am a failure, why do I have to be reminded constantly? I get it. Everyone expected great things out of me and I disappointed them all.

Trying to stay positive. Trying not to be desperately in love with someone who opens up to me then shuts me out in a violent way. Trying to accomplish more for myself and use my education. And doing it all alone... That is the one aspect of my life that I can't change... even though I try my best, it just seems like no matter what I do, I always end up back alone. How did you do it?

Kim