Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dear Granna,

One of my friends told me yesterday that the reason I was so down on myself is because I wanted to be strong like you...but the difference between you and I was experience...And that is how you are so strong, and I am not. I think I have had enough experience for one lifetime. I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed. It just takes too much of a toll on me...The worst part is, I'm pathetic for just wanting to give up.

I figured out what bothered me so much yesterday about the boy whom I always pay the same game with...Every time he comes around, I want to weasle into his life and destroy his. That scares me. I want to be able to play the game well enough that he'll in turn trust me and fall for me so that I can ultimately ruin him...and that sort of revenge plagues my mind. It is a natural human response to want to hurt people who have hurt you...but to this extent? How long will I hold on to this. I try to let it go, but for some reason, I just go into the same cycle and become a person who I am afraid of. Ever had times like that?

The worst part is, with this new realization I just want my whole being to turn to ice, so I no longer have to worry about wanting someone or dreaming about the future...that I can be content with myself so that I don't put myself at risk and in turn risk wanting to hurt other people. How does one become cold, though? I've tried it before, and yet I still manage to get myself hurt.

I'm tired of the whole idea of love. I'm not even sure it exists anymore. Passionate Love, that is...the love between family exists on some level, but the love between two people...it has got to just be chemical reactions to fufil and overall primal need and then once that need is filled, those chemicals fade...then what? I just want those ideas and those chemicals to stop firing off in my brain and whatever else.

I've given up. Really I have. I don't have anything to show for my brief time on this earth accept for a broken heart and no desire for a future.

Kim

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dear Granna,

What is wrong with me? I ended a relationship that contained no love on my end, and he still worships me. We still live together and every time I see him I hurt because I know in my heart we will never be able to patch things up again. Ontop of that, I seek the attention of someone who has repeatedly broken my heart -- and I swear he enjoys it every time. Is it the challenge of wanting him to love me the way I loved him? Do I have something to prove to myself every time I go through this? How come I can't get the lesson through my head that this will only end in heartbreak?

Part of me lacks love all together. I want to be cold inside so I don't have to feel hurt...but with that same coldness I wont be able to feel joy. Already I am struggling with myself to not give my heart completely away, and the more I cling to it, the more nauseous I get and pray that it will never be given away again.

It doesn't make any sense. I lack your wisdom and guidance that I always sought out. I wish you could lend me the strength that allowed you to raise your children on your own and shun those who would hurt you. I used to be such a strong, amazing woman, and now I feel weak. Vunerable. And I hate it. Hate every minute of it. I don't want to long for love and happiness. I want to be done with stupid fantasies of being married and having a family of my own. Life is a journey with hardships, I know, but I just don't want to face them anymore.

Where did my strength go? I need it back.

Kim