Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dear Granna,

What is wrong with me? I ended a relationship that contained no love on my end, and he still worships me. We still live together and every time I see him I hurt because I know in my heart we will never be able to patch things up again. Ontop of that, I seek the attention of someone who has repeatedly broken my heart -- and I swear he enjoys it every time. Is it the challenge of wanting him to love me the way I loved him? Do I have something to prove to myself every time I go through this? How come I can't get the lesson through my head that this will only end in heartbreak?

Part of me lacks love all together. I want to be cold inside so I don't have to feel hurt...but with that same coldness I wont be able to feel joy. Already I am struggling with myself to not give my heart completely away, and the more I cling to it, the more nauseous I get and pray that it will never be given away again.

It doesn't make any sense. I lack your wisdom and guidance that I always sought out. I wish you could lend me the strength that allowed you to raise your children on your own and shun those who would hurt you. I used to be such a strong, amazing woman, and now I feel weak. Vunerable. And I hate it. Hate every minute of it. I don't want to long for love and happiness. I want to be done with stupid fantasies of being married and having a family of my own. Life is a journey with hardships, I know, but I just don't want to face them anymore.

Where did my strength go? I need it back.

Kim