Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear Granna,

It has been entirely too long since I have written you last. I guess I just have been busy, or ashamed of the things I have done that I didn't want to write to you about them. I don't know, I always have a tendency to complicate things.

You know about my relationship with Kyle. About how I don't think I will ever love anyone as desperately as I love him, and he'll always have a place in my heart... And I just wish for one moment he would let me in and feel what it is like to be truly loved without any reserve, but holding onto that is stupid. Because he is broken. And he is not willing to let me in or be loved by me. It's sad, really. I can't imagine life where you are scared to love. And then it happened to me. I started seeing a very wonderful guy who wants nothing more than to be with me, and I can't let him in. All of my fears just exploded out of me and I have to push back. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's just... unknown. New. Why move on to something new when I can stay with Kyle and be in miserable comfort? I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to go out and be with other people so I feel what it is like to have a real working relationship, but my heart aches every time I think about never seeing Kyle again. I know I can still see him, as friends, but when I long to lay beside him and hear him breathing next to me when I sleep, or wake up in the morning to see his smirk... It just makes me wonder if I will ever feel that again with someone else.

I was in love with Jack. I wanted him desperately, mostly I guess because I couldn't have him. I still can't have him. He's on the other side of the world. Will he ever come home to me? I don't know. He wants to give me the life that I dream of. A home, a family... where we can escape... and just be together. But my heart can't handle the disappointment of not knowing if he is alive or dead every day. If he comes home, what then? Will I have established a new relationship or will I still be waiting?

I'm trying to get a new job, too. I'm worth so much more than this company pays me, and I am losing my mind and my hope every day when I come in. You know me, I like to stay busy, I like to work hard and play hard. Sitting around doing nothing is like some form of slow torture where I have to watch the clock tick by every day and wait for freedom. So we'll see if anything comes of it. I guess I have been searching for a new job for a long time, but the economy has been so bad I just haven't found anything. When people with JDs and PhDs are vying for the same jobs I am, it's impossible.

I miss you, Granna. I miss your strength and your kindness. Every day I feel further and further away from you and there's a tear in me that will never go away... Someday we'll be together again, right?

Kim