Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Granna,

I'm trying to enjoy life and live it one day at a time. I think I have a tendency to over-complicate things by asking for too much, or wanting more, when I should just enjoy things as they come. I enjoy the time when my heart feels full, and am slowly gaining strength to deal with it when my heart feels empty. There's too much in this world to be thankful for to be miserable all the time. So I just try to do my best to not be sad.

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night, to my surprise, Kyle and I went out for dinner and to play some games at Dave-N-Buster. I proceeded to drink entirely too much, and he dropped me off at home. Saturday I slept in and cuddled with Beep for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I spent most of the day with Tabby and Wyatt, feeling like a member of the family and enjoying the company. Sunday, while I was cooking some breakfast, Kyle called me and asked me to go out to lunch with him... out of the blue. So I was very surprised at that. He claimed it was to work on his appeal, but we went out to lunch and went shopping at target and lounged around in bed for a while before we ended up actually doing any work. Then once it was done he decided not to study so we could hang out while I did his laundry. Then when I left, we ended up spending more time together playing our online game until it was time for bed. It's these days that make all of the pain worth it, because it gives me a glimpse into the sweet Kyle who I always swear is in there.

He's going through some stressful times right now, with finals, and his grandmother potentially dying. All you can do is hope for the best for his grandmother, I know exactly where he is coming from, feeling hopeless and lost. He withdraws into himself when he's dealing with stress and it drives me crazy, but I am learning to let him do his thing and not be so needy. Granted there isn't a day that goes by where I don't want to wake up in his arms, he is a delicate creature and if pushed too hard, he runs. So we just enjoy each other's company. I can't ask for more than that. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I can't worry about it. Enjoy life while you can because I could be dead tomorrow.

Other than that, I am working two jobs, picking up a third one watching Ciaran during the week for Jen. There is some drama there, she insisted that she paid me, and then claimed she couldn't afford it, and got pissed off at me when I told her not to worry about it. It doesn't make any sense. I don't want to take money from her if she is living paycheck to paycheck, but what is going to happen someday when we aren't available to pick up her slack? She's going to have to pay for daycare. Then what? She relies too heavily on her family for free daycare, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for -something- in return. But apparently unless it is on her terms, it isn't.

Oh well.

Kim