Friday, May 14, 2010

Dear Granna,

I lost it. I lost the Steuben Pendant you gave me. It was safely sitting on my desk in a box awaiting someone skilled enough to repair it and it's gone. I am devastated. It feels like it was the only thing connecting us together and I was so irresponsible and careless that now it is gone. I've looked everywhere, dug through everything that I owned, pulled my furniture around, my fingers are raw, my knuckles are bloody, and it is nowhere. What if I knocked it into my trash and I threw it away? What if someone took it off my desk? Mom says it's "just stuff" but I feel like somehow I have betrayed you for not paying better attention to it. I wanted to pass it down to my daughter someday, and tell her the story of how I got it, and how it was one of a kind, just like her... And now it is gone. I want to keep the hope that it will show up, by some miracle it will show up, but I looked through everything. Each time I dug through the same box I hoped that I just missed it and it would just pop up. And each time I couldn't hold back the tears when I found it not in there.

The only one of its kind and now it's gone. I am so sorry, Granna, I didn't mean to lose track of it. I didn't mean to take it for granted and just leave it on my desk. I cherished that, so much so that I wore it until it started getting cracked, that's why I took it off, so I could take it to get repaired someday... I didn't want to break it any further. I guess I don't have to worry about it... It's not going to be broken anymore, now all I am left with is a broken heart. I think that sufficiently makes up for being irresponsible.

Why can't I listen when people say it is just stuff? And that the memories I have of you are more important. It just represented so much more. So much more. I'm trying to keep my chin up, repeating to myself that it will show up... If it does I'll never let anything happen to it again, I'll put it in a safe or a lock box somewhere so I will always know where it is. I can just keep hoping for the "if" right?

I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I think I'm doing a fair job of punishing myself. It just sucks.

Kim