Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dear Granna,

It has been a long, emotionally draining day. And it isn't even over yet. I've still got a potential six hours left until I can finally lay my head down on my pillow and hope the tears will not overflow again.

How come when you think you're on the road to happiness, people have to RIP the idea from your mind and make sure to dash all hopes and dreams you have? To tell you you're stupid when it comes to men, that you don't know what you feel, that you're desperate, or impulsive... so many hurtful words coming from people who supposedly love me and care about me, and yet they tear me down like this and I end up walling up my heart and wanting to run away.

I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels like it is breaking. I'm experiencing the same feeling I always feel when any semblance of a relationship ends because those people have already ended it for me in my mind. How could it possibly last if no one has any faith in me, or trust in me that I am doing the right thing? How can these people claim to know me at all when they have no idea what I am capable of, how much I think about these situations, how much I think about the future and what I want?

It is to the point where I don't even trust my heart anymore, because every time I listen to it, I'm wrong. So it goes back into its little box, locked up tight, and I'm just...here.

Though, there is one person that has been a guiding light this whole time. The one person I would trust to not lead me astray, the one person who has been right about all of the bad relationships I have been in and there to pick me up when I fell... She is telling me to trust in her heart because she knows things will be okay. She is keeping me from walling it up too tightly because this time it will be different. This time it is right. I just don't know anymore. I go through these waves of being sure, and then waves of being frightened because people plant the seeds of doubt in my mind. Marj is working diligently to pluck those seeds of doubt out, but every now and again she misses one and it just makes me feel so...helpless. So wrong. So scared.

I don't know anymore, Granna. If nothing else comes out of this, I am seeing behind the curtain, I am seeing who wants to selfishly keep me for themselves and deny me my own happiness, and those who really love and support me, regardless of how strange a situation may be. I just wish I could hold onto that seed of happiness and make it grow and bloom without people coming at me with shovels.

I want so badly for it to be different, but why do I keep walling myself up, waiting for it to be the same?

Kim