Monday, July 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

Well, my stint with a lover was all but brief. We saw each other a couple times and now I cannot seem to wrangle him to spend time with me. There is always some excuse, so I am on to bigger and better things. Though, against my other better judgement, I did see Kyle again. We had met up to exchange our stuff and spent some time talking and he wants to try to be my "friend." Whatever that means. I don't even pretend to understand men. And since then he has been calling and texting and e-mailing more than he did when we were dating. I never intiate, he always does. It is like he is chasing me for the thrill but has no intention of ever doing anything about it...and it frustrates me to no end.

The worst part is, I took advantage of that. His desire to want to see me, to talk to me, I goaded him on because I love the attention. But I am still unsure how I feel about him. He burned me. He doesn't get my love back... but what is his end game here...what is he trying to accomplish by staying in my life?

He is on his trip right now, so contact has been limited. Though I have heard from him a couple times. The first day he was gone he called me early in the morning to talk to me and let me know he was alright. I ended the conversation abruptly, as I can't really play these games. I just...I don't know. I'm done trying to understand and done trying to hope. The boy I took as my lover I had thought was a wonderful gentleman, but then the excuses started. Maybe when he doesn't have excuses anymore I will talk to him again...but for now, I need to be strong and happy being single. Being alone. Need to find the beautiful silence I had with Kyle on my own.

And I need to start running. I think getting out there and getting rid of this frustration in a physical way will help me as well. I will be strengthening my body and my mind. Even if it is only around the block a couple times to start...just getting out there will do wonders for me. I need to work out more.

Did I tell you I quit Kung Fu? I have found myself in a great deal of debt, so I have to give up what I love the most in order to pay down my debt and be a responsible adult. I'm trying to get a second job as well, but having no luck so far. I am even applying for minimum wage positions where they should be hiring all year round. I am trying to take control of my life right now. Of myself. Of my finances. Of everything. We only have one chance in this world, so I better not fuck it up more than I already have.

Wish me luck, Granna. This year is about change and strength, I just know it. I know inside me somewhere there is a woman like you who wont feel lonely or depressed. I just need to let the tamed lion out back into the wild and learn how to roar again.

Kim