Monday, August 4, 2008

Dear Granna,

As if the games Kyle and I played before weren't hard enough on me, I finally chose to end them. This is what I wrote to Kyle this morning after we exchanged some words that...I was not pleased with:

The reality of it all is that it is time for change in my life. This has been a year of change, and I've had a lot of time to think about my actions recently. I've been acting too much like a child, and that is not me. My quest for "fun" has greatly hindered my quest for what I really want, you know? You have seen a side of me that I have, for the most part, tried to keep under control. It is easy to just be irresponsible and seek out physical pleasure and not worry about the emotional damage that it will cause in the long run. But last night, when I got a phone call from my ex I realized something...I realized that I had been down this path before and it only hurt me.

It's time for me to be an adult. I've got to get my head back on straight and get my life back in order. While having fun is always good, everything in moderation. I need to find someone that complements my mature side, not just my childish side. I need to focus on getting my debt under control, finishing my paralegal certification and going to law school. I need to remember that there is a child growing inside my sister right now and that, too, is going to change my life because I will be someone that he looks up to someday, and what do I want him to see? Certainly not who I am right now.

My good friend Ryan said this to me yesterday and it really started this whole self-revelation thing: "What are your standards for yourself? How do you want to define yourself? What is the person you want to be? Are you making that hypothetical person a reality? These are the sort of questions I ask myself when I measure my worth. Recognize the "me" first, then let others pick up the scent." And it really surprised me when what I answered with was not who I was acting like at all. The things I listed above, about school, about my career, about being a responsible and dependable Aunt...that is who I want to be. I need to grow up. I need to find "me." The me I am supposed to be, the one who accomplishes great things and is well respected and loved. Not the girl who is out catting around, floundering in her life unsure of where she wants to go or who she wants to be with.

This may all seem very odd for me to be telling you, but here is my reasoning: My desire to be with you, to be the person who I think you wanted, really drove me off the "right" path and put me onto one where, while it was fun, it was not the one I should have been on. It is funny, I wanted so badly to catch the thing I couldn't have, so badly to be cherished and adored by the one person who I couldn't get to notice me, and as a result I lost sight of everything. In only a few months, a handful of days that is just a flicker in the grand scheme of things, I allowed myself to change. And I always told myself I wouldn't do that again. That I would not lose my strength and myself. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I suppose you never can control what you do.

I adore you, Kyle. I always denied it, but I did love you, and I do still love you to some extent, but in the long run, what does that accomplish?

I have no idea what is going to happen, but things are going to be different. It can't be the same anymore because the same isn't working for either of us. At this point we can either grow together or grow apart. I want to be there for you and be a friend to you, but you have to understand that at the same time, I might not be the person you're hoping for. We are going to have to be patient with one another and see if it works. While I get back on the right track, I may not be someone you want around you because we will be so different. We are so different. But sometimes those differences really help guide us the right way or show us who we can really be.

I hope you understand what I am trying to show you. It's impossible for you to know me until I know me, and it might be a bit of a journey to get there. I will do my best to be a friend to you and help support you in the ways that I promised I would, but it might not work. We might end up being too different, and I just want you to be prepared for that, just like I am preparing myself for that. Hopefully it all works out and we can be what each other needs right now. I just wanted to give you a little insight to what has been going on in my head, since I often keep you in the dark.

I can't play games anymore. I refuse to play them. This is how it has to be. If he wants to support my growing and maturity, he can be my friend. If he thinks that I am going to continue to be immature and support the same in him, he is wrong. I am 25 now. It is time for me to be an adult and act like one for a change. No more going out and catting around, no more bad decisions. I need to do this for me. I need to be strong and amazing like you. Now I just need to keep my resolve to do all of this.

Kim