Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dear Granna,

It was...an eye-opening evening last night. I still am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do now...but do we ever really know what path we're supposed to take? Needless to say, the evening didn't end as I had hoped it would... Kyle and I were...unsafe for the first time last night, and at the time it wasn't a problem because we were in a fit of passion, but afterwards he shut down on me emotionally and practically sent me home. I felt rejected, alone, angry on my way home because I had given him my body and he couldn't even give me the courtesy of asking me to stay.

This morning I was resolved to not talk to him at all. He wants to play these games with me, he can contact me when he is ready. He called me later in the morning to apologize to me for the way he acted last night. Then he gave me the reason why. He had made himself a promise that he was never going to have unprotected sex with a woman again because of his experiences in his past. His fiance had ended up getting pregnant and then aborted the baby, and it has weighed on Kyle's shoulder's since it happened. It was so interesting to see that weakness. Almost like he feels like it is his own personal failing that things didn't work out. It's funny, because it is the same way I would feel. I always take the blame, so I know what it is like to suffer in silence. Needless to say, he said it wasn't anything about me, but he had some "self-loathing" to do last night, because he had broken the promise he made to himself. I assured him everything was fine, and I was just as much to blame, but the next time something like that happened, he needs to open up to me immediately instead of shutting down. I think he is scared of sharing his thoughts because he has been judged so harshly in the past, perhaps. I am not here to judge, I just want to understand and make sure we have open communication. Before the conversation was over, he asked if "we" were okay and I told him yes.

I am beginning to think my purpose in all of this is to heal him. Once he is healed he can move on and be happy...it may not be with me, but someone needs to help him out of this darkness. He needs to know that not everyone out there is going to hurt him and to not live in fear. I only hope I can guide him in the right direction and not get too attached or hurt in the process. It's funny, actually, to feel like I have to do this, when sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But that is what he expects, isn't it?

To further the idea that I am supposed to focus my energy on him right now, I hurt my back last night. Plans I had for tonight and tomorrow to go out with new people have been cancelled because I need to be at home resting. How odd is that?

It is time to break out the healing energy and show Kyle that it is okay to let go of the past. Please give me strength so I can do this.

Kim