Wednesday, June 11, 2006

Dear Granna,

I'm finding that ever since I "let go" of the idea of absolutely needing a commitment to be with someone, thing have been going smoothly. I'm just sitting back and relaxing and having a good time, and whatever happens, happen. Though, I am not entirely sure what is going to come of all this, but I am still doing a good job of protecting my heart. While eventually it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, this is a big lesson on patience for me. Not everyone moves at my pace. The good news in all of this is, well, we are building something. Whether or not it is going to be the foundation for a successful relationship, or a good friendship, right now we're laying the concrete, as it were.

Last night I went up to watch a movie and relax with Kyle. It was a good night of play and I eventually fell asleep on his lap. He needed to put the cover on his motorcycle and I thought it would be a good time for me to head out, so I got all my stuff together and walked down with him to his bike to cover it. After he was done covering it, he began to give me gentle kisses then told me I didn't need to leave. I laughed at him and asked him if that meant he wanted me to stay. To which he responded that he was offering. Me, being who I am, asked him for a yes or no to my previous question, but I never quite did get it out of him. Only "I'm offering." But, I took it, regardless.

We had very gentle sex and he kept saying he was afraid of hurting me because of all the bruises he leaves on me and he is afraid he gets too rough with me. I kind of laughed at him and told him not to worry about it. That if he did anything I didn't like that I would let him know. Regardless, when all was said and done and we lay there in bed, I began to rub his back because I knew it would put him to sleep. He looked over at me and asked if I was trying to put him to sleep so I could sneak out once he was, and I assured him I would be there in the morning.

It is funny the different affection levels I get on different days. On some days I feel like I am just a casual fling for him, and on others I feel like he is holding on to me because he thinks he is going to lose me. Why would he be afraid I was going to be gone in the morning? Why not let me go home in the first place? It is just odd. Maybe he is warming up to me. Or maybe he knows I'm pulling away. Now that I've taken my blinders off and I'm looking into my other options...maybe he can see that. It is all very interesting. I am not entirely sure where I want to go from here or what I want to do, though I did think of good quote the other day, "Why can't we just love each other today and not worry about tomorrow?" If Kyle and I ever have the "serious" talk again, I'll bring that up. I'm trying not to worry about then, I'm worry about now. Maybe we can both learn from that.

Kim