Tuesda, June 17, 2008

Dear Granna,

What is life without a few roadblocks, right? Kyle and I got to talking about feelings again yesterday and he came clean that he doesn't think he has the capacity to love someone right now. Which, I guess I can understand because he has been burned pretty hard over the years. He said that it wasn't a "never, ever" situation, that it will happen eventually he's sure, but right now he just doesn't know. I guess at this point it is either take it or leave it. Do I stick with this and see if I can soften him up? Or do I take the hit and bail out? I am so torn. Part of me wants to fix him, show him it is okay to open up and love, the other part of me tells me it is not my job to fix him, and I will only end up getting hurt again in the end. I remember this situation with Jason. He said he wouldn't love me ever, at least Kyle is open to the idea, right? But can I go through a relationship with someone waiting for them to figure out if it is going to happen? Or is Kyle just testing me? Is he putting up these walls to see if I care about him enough to fight through them? I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Surprisingly, I'm not too shaken up about it. I'm looking at it logically and accepting the fact that he has been through a lot and hardened himself over the years. It is kind of like what I have wanted to do but have never been able to. Do I give it a few more months and see if he warms up at all...? I really do enjoy spending time with him, and I could see myself with him in the future...that is why I am torn.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to go out with other guys and have a good time, and if someone better comes a long, Kyle will have missed his chance. Kyle hasn't earned my heart yet. He doesn't deserve for me to hang on to him and make me work hard for him. I guess it is easier to be strong these days then I thought. There are so many people in the world that I shouldn't have to fight so hard. But then again, isn't fighting for what you want what makes it so great when you get it in the end? I guess we'll just see where this goes. Keeping my options open, but also holding on to that little flicker of hope.

Kim