Monday, June 9, 2008

Dear Granna,

It was an interesting weekend and I am finding myself repeating the phrase "Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind," to myself over and over. If I really am falling in love with Kyle, then I can be patient and wait for him to see I'm not going to hurt him. I have been being very gently so far, and maybe this is my lesson for now. I am learning to be patient and take things slow, and not put my heart on the line so quickly.

Friday was an interesting day. One of my friends had gotten ahold of Kyle's e-mail address and send him a quote about not feeling the future. Kyle got extremely upset about this and laid into me and fumed for the rest of the day, not talking to me. Then near the end of the day I asked him if we still had a date that night and he said we did, and apologized for his actions. That night, he continued to apologize for what had happened because he said it wasn't me that had upset him, it was the situation and his crappy week and he just took it all out on me. I told him not to worry, that I understood, and he just kept saying he was sorry. Do you think he was afraid he was going to lose me? That I saw the darker side of him and I would go running for the hills? Maybe this will be a good show of my character, that I'm not going to cut and run when he has a bad day.

Needless to say, we fell asleep together on his couch that night watching movies, then I spent the night wrapped in his arms, wondering what I was doing there and why it felt so wonderfully comfortable.

We saw each other again on Sunday. We went down to Balboa Park and saw the Pompeii exhibit, where every time I would stop and look at something he would wrap his arms around me and tell me about the Mythology associated with it. It was a very fun experience to see how knowledgeable he was. And for us to share the Pompeii exhibit together because we both have visited the actual ancient city, it was very peaceful. Like we were an actual couple. After the Pompeii exhibit, we went over to the science center and played with everything we could find and just experienced being kids. It was also good to see that side of him. When they kicked us out of the museum, we decided to make dinner back at his house so he could do laundry. So, we went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together back at his place. Once again, it was another peaceful moment where we talked and stood in the kitchen like a couple. After dinner, we both lounged on the couch and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. When we both woke up I made my way home.

I'm trying not to read too deeply into it. Trying to take things as they are and go with the flow. I don't want to worry about whether or not he is feeling for me like I am feeling for him because it will drive me mad. I'm going to try to go out and see other people to try to get my mind off of it...give him the space and freedom he wants to make his decision. The sad thing is, all I want is to be wrapped up in his arms, inhaling his scent, feeling his lips graze across my forehead while we lay together on that evil couch that puts us both asleep. But those romantic fantasies need to stop. It is not safe to give him my heart yet...as much as I want to, I can't. I have to hold on to it. While he may appear gentle and kind on the outside, I am not entirely sure if he will handle my heart in the same fashion, so for now I keep it locked up tight, keeping the key where I can't even get to it.

This is my lesson. Being patient. Being kind. Not reading too deeply into the events that happen. However this unfolds, I think I will take these lessons with me. And that is not entirely a bad thing.

Kim