Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Granna,

Kyle and I are getting together tonight. We’re going to watch a movie and I’m going to make him dinner. I’ve been fighting with myself back and forth all about what I’m supposed to do about this situation because I want to be patient …but at the same time, I want to know if it is going to go anywhere. My good friend Marj has been doing such a good job of being a listening ear…here is a bit of the conversation we had this afternoon:

Marj: I just don't want you hurt. He needs to say one way or another.

Me: I know. I'm doing a really good job of not letting myself fall, though! Not yet, not until he does, dammit... :)

I keep trying to convince myself that I want to be "free" you know...that I can do this casual date thing and not get attached to anyone... I just epic fail.

Marj: You don't epic fail! <3

Me: *Sigh* Then why can't I just let him go?

Marj: It's hard. Trust me... very, very hard. But you're a strong woman - you can do it.

If it doesn't feel right 100%, don't settle because you "could" love him and he "could" love you. Find the one for you that you can love without condition and who loves you without condition. You'll know it when you find it.

Me: But I can love him...I do already, I'm just fighting being IN LOVE with him, you know? I'm trying really hard to just pull back...but when I'm with him...here's the way I can describe it best: Every day there is so much noise that I have to deal with...the noise of my own thoughts, the noise of work, of life...but when I'm with him, it all goes quiet. I can just be myself and relax. We're the only two people in the world when we're together...it is so weird...

And I know he's an asshole and he's afraid of commitment, and he is probably going to break my heart... but when I feel calm and peaceful around someone like that, I have to give them a chance to come around. Because when he does, we'll have such a powerful bond...

Maybe I'm just too romantic... Maybe I need a reality check? Boot to the head or something!

It's so horrible, too...my heart is telling me now he is falling for me, he's just scared... My brain doesn't know what to think. Stupid brain. Stupid heart. Do I trust my gut here?

Marj: That's your call. I can only tell you what I see <3

Me: And you see him as a user...huh? Or a jackass that needs a reality check?

It's just so weird, Marj...I know I complain a lot, but there's got to be a reason for all of this. I mean, there has got to be something more behind it all. The way he looks at me, or the way he wraps his arms around me whenever we are standing together or laying in bed, the way he'll lean over to kiss me just for the sake of having his lips on mine... it is just so...is that normal behavior for someone who just wants to get laid?

When we went to the Pompeii exhibit it was like we were an actual couple. He held my hand the whole time, he navigated me through the crowds and protected me...and when I'd stop to look at something, he'd wrap his arms around me, lean down and whisper in my ear about the mythology associated with the thing I was looking at. It's those moments that make me stay.

(Sigh)

That or I’m just telling you all of this to convince myself he’s not a douche.

I’m in a constant state of wondering what is going to happen and it is horrible, Granna. I want to fall, I want to give myself over to him completely, but at the same time I don’t want to because if I do and he doesn’t return it, then what do I do? But at the same time, he tells me he isn’t capable of love, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is falling for me. I can feel his affection when he wraps his arms around me and just breathes me in, just like I do. I know he misses me, otherwise when I freak out on him, he wouldn’t call me to reassure me that everything is okay. He wouldn’t worry about “us” being “okay” when something bad happens, unless there was an us, right?

All of these things make me wonder if I keep at it…if I keep being patient, if I will experience that powerful love that I dream about… but on the flip side…if I keep being patient, will I be absolutely destroyed when it never happens? Life is about taking risks and playing the game…if I don’t take this risk, will I always wonder what might have been? And if I get burned, at least I wont have to wonder about the “what-ifs.” I have taken so many leaps of faith this year…is this just going to be another one where I live-and-learn or will this actually turn out for the best?

Just need to keep my shoulders back, my head high, and stay strong. Something has got to give eventually. If it is meant to be, he’ll open up to me and let me in. If it’s not…then walking away will become more and more easy with time.

Kim