Monday, June 23, 2008

Dear Granna,

Is it wrong to want someone to keep in touch with you to make sure they are okay? I mean, just a simple text message that says, "Yeah, I'm alive," can make all of the difference in the world, you know? I worry. When I don't hear from people, I get scared. I wonder if they are dead on the side of the road somewhere and whether or not I will ever find out. And I experienced that panic this weekend. After a whole weekend of silence, I reacted out of anger to Kyle and told him if he was going to brush me off, he should just say it to my face instead of ignoring me, when in truth, I was so scared that he was hurt. And it is just easier to deal with the anger. He called me Sunday afternoon, but it still didn't stop me from wondering if I would ever find out if he was hurt.

I know we're not "together" and I shouldn't expect for someone to know to call me, but I am part of his life and I don't think it isn't a resonable request to be kept in the loop if someone gets hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm giving myself too much value to someone who doesn't seem to value me as much as I do him. It just frustrates me to no end to sit around and worry if I will find out if he is a stain on the pavement or not.

I went out with someone else last night, too, I tried to keep an open mind to it, but, I don't know. There just wasn't a spark like there is with Kyle and I. Maybe it is because I am so blinded by my feelings for Kyle and my hopes that he will come around that I am going to miss out on my chance with another wonderful guy...or maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay focused on my task of healing Kyle and worry about the other people later... Regardless, I just need to learn to relax, breathe and take it one day at a time... Hopefully it wont be wasted time.

Kim