Dear Granna,
It has been some time since I have written last and so much has happened since then. I have made some stupid mistakes and paid the price, and right now I am suffering for them. I have been left alone. The person who I thought would always be there for me has abandoned me, and there is nothing left inside me or my home. So I am looking for a new place to call home, looking for new strength to carry on and hoping that I can make it through. There have been some times when I thought that I couldn’t, and it frightened me. Where I always thought that it would just be better to disappear and no one would have to worry about me anymore, but I just can’t do that. I don’t want to leave this life without leaving a mark on the world, you know? Someone has to know my name. I have to do something great before I go. Do you think I will be able to do that?
So this afternoon I am going to look at my own apartment. All of the change that has been happening lately really is leading me towards a new path and a new life. I suppose in my heart of hearts I wanted to have the slate wiped clean, but I didn’t think it would all happen at once. You just have to go with it, right? Please show me what I need to do to be strong. I am wavering in between weakness and helplessness and that just isn’t who I am. I will make it through this, right?
As for the man who always breaks my heart, I fear things have taken a turn for the worst. Somehow I keep ending up in his bed and every time I kick myself afterwards. I don’t want to be in love with him. I can’t. I wont. Only because he will never feel the same and he will only hurt me. So why do I keep falling prey to him? Or this time around am I the one using him? I wish that was true. Right now my heart is numb. The relationship I had before really slammed closed and I don’t want to open up to anyone anymore. So is it safe to keep making the same mistake now that I am single? It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I don’t make any sense.
Hopefully I will get this all sorted out.
Kim
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