Thursday, November 14, 2007

Dear Granna,

It is getting harder. I thought it would get easier, but every time I think about what I had it only burns in my chest more. Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be whole again like I was? I am trying my best to just move on, but so far I have been struggling. Wanting to make things right. Wanting to prove to myself that I am not the one that failed...because that is all I feel like - a failure. I wish I could grab onto the anger I feel of being hurt and betrayed and left alone, but somehow I always hold onto the sadness. Maybe I feel better feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I just don't like myself when I am angry. I know that I can make it through this, but the wound is still so fresh...

So far my search for a new place to live has brought up nothing. I have seen a few, but none of them felt like home - except for one. When I went into it I instantly felt at peace and knew that if I could have it, I would. So I said I wanted it. It has been two days and I have not heard anything from the landlord or anyone else. I know this is all a lesson in patience, but when you are so eager to move on with your life, who has patience? I wish I didn't have this feeling of dread in my stomach that I will not actually get this place...because the feeling I had when I was in it...and getting my hopes up...it's all going to be for nothing, right? I guess by the end of the week if I don't hear anything back, I'll give a call again and let them know I am looking for another place. Only because I can't be strung along and have my hopes up for nothing.

Aside from that, I am trying to adjust to being alone. My house is clean, my dog is happy, but my glass is always half empty. The only time I feel whole again is when I am out with friends, but why do I have to have people to feel that way? Why can't I satisfy myself? I guess it is just going to take some time to look inward and find out why I feel the need for other people to make me feel complete.

Lets not even go into the bastard who takes advantage of me and then hurts me repeatedly for his own sick pleasure. Sometimes I really think he enjoys to hurt me so he can show what power he has over me. But the more I am exposed to it, the stronger I get, right? And the easier it will be to just walk away? I am trying my best, but I wont deny that there will always be that part of me inside that wants him to love me. Maybe it is just because I know that he wont, so it is easy to want what can exist. Gives me purpose. Something to fight for. I don't think I have the strength to fight for it anymore. He is not good for me. I know it. Everyone around me knows it. I just don't know why I can't walk away. It will get easier soon, I hope.

There is another man now. Nothing more than friendship at present, but he makes me feel like there are good guys out there that wont hurt me. Then again, we always get hurt, don't we? So I am keeping this wall around my heart and hesitating, and it is going to be horrible if I let him pass me by and he really is the type of person I need. Who knows anymore. I don't know. My whole life is just a bundle of mixed up emotions and hopes and sorrows...I just wish they would all go away.

Need to be strong, right?

Kim