December 5, 2007

Dear Granna,

I am having a bad day...it kind of makes me glad that I have a counseling appointment at lunch today. Just having some weird feelings inside of me right now. Like, why is it that there is this wonderful man chasing after me, and I can't stop thinking about the one who keeps hurting me? What do I have to prove to myself to move away from him and leave him in the past? Why do I want to push away the good guy because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? How come I just can't be happy in the moment instead of keep worrying about what might happen or the what if's with the bad one? It is just driving me a little bit crazy right now. So, hopefully when I talk to my counselor today I will get some of these feelings sorted out.

Last night was the first night that I started packing. The first night where I started going through my stuff and seeing what was missing. And when I was going through it, I just felt empty. After digging through the first couple boxes I just let it go. Just closed them up and put them away because I don't want to feel that heartache. Not right now. Not ever. I even opened up the box we had kept our Christmas stuff in, then closed it up again. It is just easier right now to just not go through it, I think. Just pack it up and move it. It is just stuff. Stuff we bought together that now means nothing to him, apparently. I guess I should be thankful he didn't just take everything he felt like taking and he left all of the "questionable" stuff with me...But I don't even want to go through it, just like the other boxes, I just want to close them and push them away. Just like they will be put in the closet of my new place. Out of sight out of mind, right?

Don't know why I am having such a bad day today...why I can't be happy like everyone else. Why he just moved on and is happy in his new life and I am still struggling to make it through each day. I guess there will always be good and bad days...maybe everything is just coming out right now because I am scared about my surgery tomorrow. I just don't want to push people away that deserve to be close, and pull people in that don't deserve to even be near me...

Kim