Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear Granna,

The hardest thing to do in life is to let go. To let go of the past, to let go of hope, to let go of the plan, of sadness, or longing, of need, of desire... To just let it all wash away and be guided by nothing other than fate.

My plans always fall apart, my dreams get ripped from me, and my hopes get dashed... but I realized, if I didn't have those things, then I wouldn't be disappointed. While I am not going to give up my ultimate desires, such as becoming a lawyer and being able to take care of myself someday (that path has already been set before me), things like who I want, who I need, who I love... if I just let go of unrequitted feelings and love me, then maybe things will be so much easier.

Friends have been trying to coach me through my longing for companionship, choosing the wrong people, making bad decisions and then holding onto those decisions so tightly I get blinded by the damage they are doing to me in the long run. So I have chosen to be happy to just be happy. To live life to the fullest now and not have a plan. Just go wherever I am taken. Swimming upstream all my life has caused me to miss out on the simple joys.

It seems like I am being a defeatist, but what it comes down to...I am a fighter, but I have to pick my battles, and I have to be happy. I have to do what makes me happy and not expect anyone else to make my happiness for me. This choice is going to have lots of ups and downs, but in my being I am so tired of fighting. Now I will focus on me. I will be -me-. People can love me for who I am, and if they don't, that is their own issue, not mine.

Kyle and I had a moment yesterday, a moment that made me stop and think about what I was doing... Yesterday we went out to lunch, and we were laughing and talking, and an old couple walked over to us and said, "We love the way you two look, you're having so much fun." And it hit me... I'm not the one that is holding me back, he is... Because he is afraid. And I can't wait around anymore. I can't expect him to just wake up one morning and realize he loves me. I can't hold on to the hope that it will happen, because if I do... and it doesn't happen, there will be so much disappointment. So if I just let go... if I am just happy being with him without any future plan, if I can enjoy being in a non-relationship for the time being but not hold onto any expectations for it to ever turn into anything else...then I wont be hurt. Because right now, thinking about the what-ifs hurts too much. Thinking about the why, the who, the when... It just makes me realize that I focus so much on the things that I don't have, rather than the things I have right now.

It is going to be an interesting journey. I need to maintain the strength I have had all along. I need to get my chin up, my chest out and walk proudly and smile. Life is too short to worry about things that may or may not happen... and I will take them when they come, but right now... I just want to be.

Kim