Friday, February 27, 2008

Dear Granna,

Another week has gone by. I can't believe how fast time flies when you are so busy. Wednesday was a bit difficult though. Ryan's Dad is dying of cancer and he doesn't have much longer to live. Ryan is out there now to be with him, and Jen and Ciaran are going to go out as soon as they can to see him one more time. I suppose it is one of my greatest weaknesses that I can't stand to hear about people hurting, and for some strange reason I just took the news from Jen really hard. I was just crying and sad, I felt a great sense of loss for Ryan and Jen...and most especially Ciaran. He will never know his paternal grandfather and that breaks my heart. I didn't know any of my grandfathers, and a part of me always wonders what it would have been like if I did.

Me, being the emotional person I am, did what I always do...and broke down. And when I broke down, I turned to Kyle. I went up to his place and just cried on his shoulder and he talked me through it. Said that this is just part of life and I can't let it get to me like this. It's true. I don't even know Ryan's father all that much, it is just the idea that someone in my family is hurting that bothers me the most. He managed to calm me down and I sat and dorked around on his computer while he took a shower. When he was done with the shower, he came over to me and leaned on the back of the chair while I played and then leaned me back to look at him. I turned the game off and he lead me to his bed and gently pushed me down. It was another one of those moments where it was slow and patient and tender. Something I usually don't expect from Kyle. Afterwards we both took a shower and just talked about life and how feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. We went to the store and joked around and had a good time for the rest of the evening. I don't know what it is about him, but when I'm at my lowest, he usually can bring me back up.

We are close. Dangerously close. I don't know how I feel about letting someone in as much as I have let him in, but I can't worry about that. Life is about living, loving and laughing... And even if it ends up badly, it is the experiences along the way we have to embrace, right? I need to focus on the good feelings I have right now and not worry about the what-ifs. And in the end it will be better for all of us.

Going to spend the weekend with him again, though our agenda is unclear! I am going to visit with Jen and Dad tomorrow during the day then head back up there for Saturday night and most of Sunday. It is good to know I have a second home waiting for me. I've never really felt like I could call a place home, but those boys keep their doors and their arms open for me, and it makes me feel really welcome sometimes. I hope I'm not imposing on them.

Kim