Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dear Granna,

Are we really going to play this game again? The one that always starts out the same and ends the same? I can't do it anymore. I'm noticing a pattern, and I promised myself I would break the cycle. Kyle asked me to go to dinner with him, which is fine, I suppose we can do that, but I don't think I can offer him anything more than he offers me. I have been burned too deeply too many times by him, and while I do care about his happiness, I have to be ready to find my own happiness and be happy and safe in the process. So, I agreed to dinner. Already I've got knots in my stomach because I am unsure I want to go. My walls are up, I am completely guarded, and I am uncomfortable. Maybe it is because the last time we saw each other it really felt like goodbye. We've been doing this same dance for a year, but somehow we keep coming back to it.

Just trying to stay positive and see what he can offer me as far as friendships go. I swore to myself I wasn't going to maintain friendships where there wasn't a give and take ratio that was even. Already I am realizing the people who I became friends with while we were dating suddenly disappeared now that we are not... so it makes me very cautious of who I consider friends these days. Which is a shame, really, because when someone becomes my friend I would die for them. Though, I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I will never let go because they have been through very tough times with me and stuck in there. And I hope that I have been the same for them. Friendship is a blessing and a gift, and should be treated as such.

This week is going to be a busy one. Thursday night I am meeting up with some lovely ladies I haven't seen in quite some time for some dinner and drinks. It is going to be good to see them again, we have a lot to catch up on. Sunday is Easter and is going to be a wonderful family day (I hope!). With Ciaran around, it really doesn't matter who else is there. That little man has my heart and soul. I hope I can be the best Aunt to him through the years. My sister is going to be a great mother, no doubt, but I want to protect her cub too, that is just the way I am.

My beautiful Liz is coming out in a few weeks. It is going to be a whirlwind while she is here because I want to do so much. Letting her go is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Now if only I could convince her to come back to California and stay with me, then I don't think I would ever be unhappy. She was a light in all of my darkness and has guided me to happiness. I can't believe how utterly lucky I am to have found her and gotten to know her through the years. We are going to have some adventures at Disneyland and get some tattoos. It is going to be a good time. I just wish she was here now. Every second is miserable waiting. And then of course time is going to go by too fast while she is here. We'll figure it out. I'm trapped in California until I am done with school, and she doesn't want to leave her family in Idaho, but if we are meant to be together, things will work out.

It is going to be a long day.

Kim