Wednesday,May 7, 2008

Dear Granna,

Why is it that you can be so filled with joy and people have to bring you back down to reality? Why is it that there are people in the world who hurt others so that they have to ruin it for all the rest of us? Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mother and my Sister, but my feeling of bliss has been grounded when they got me thinking that maybe I’m not the only one for him. I shouldn’t have to be paranoid, I shouldn’t have to wonder if he is bedding other women while I am at home feeling my heart roll in my chest when I think about him. Until they had mentioned it, I did not worry. They said you never know, a man will be a man, and I may never know if I’m just the girl on the side. But why can he be so romantic and when I am with him make me feel like I’m the only person in the world? If I really am the girl on the side, he must work very hard to do such a thing. It makes me wonder, it really does. I am sad that I have been manipulated and burned so many times that when my family warns me about these things that I actually consider them instead of just brushing them aside and having a good time?

He told me this morning while I was walking him to my car that it was like a dream. A great dream that he woke up from and then was disappointed that it had to end and we had to go to work. Then when he got off work he called me to talk about what he got in the mail and his drive home on his motorcycle…those simple things mean to me that he is really thinking about me, but why does everyone else have to say that it could be manipulation to protect himself? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t just be happy. I can’t just enjoy the moment and stop working about the ultimate destruction of the relationship. We’re not even in a relationship and I’m already bypassing the whole thing and going right to the end. Right to the part where I am destroyed and my heart is broken once more. Why does it have to be like this? Is something wrong with me?

I so want to be happy. I want to believe that this can turn into something more. I want to keep walking on clouds thinking about the possibility of someone falling in love with me for real, instead of a relationship convenience. I want to be excited about walking beside someone and developing something real but part of me hesitates. Part of me feels like it is all just bullshit because the people around me tell me to watch out. They have the best intentions, I know, they just want to protect me and make sure I don’t get hurt…but why not just catch me when I fall, instead of push me over the edge prematurely?

This is all new for me. I’ve never really dated. I fell in love with the idea of Jason before we even were together. And he never loved me. I fell in love with Nick because we were good friends and it was convenient and he needed to be saved so we immediately jumped into a relationship. With him it is so different. We’re dating, we’re going out and getting to know one another and we took a huge step last night that may mean nothing to him but means a lot to me. I don’t just go to bed with people. It is not like me, so I am impressed at myself for being so liberated but worried that he will think less of me or just disappear because he got what he wanted. Though, his behavior today proves that it is not just for the sex, he kept in touch with me the whole day and did the above mentioned things.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Moving too fast. Everything in my life moves so fast so I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know the timeline or how things are going to turn out. I don’t know when it is okay to tell him how I feel or begin to let myself fall in love or when I should expect him to fall in love with me. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous and scary. I just don’t know what to expect. I want to just let myself go but at the same time, every time before this one…I have had such hope and they have been destroyed. The only thing that makes this situation different is I gave myself to him. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and gave my body to him to prove that I cared about him enough to do that…no one other has gotten that from me.

I suppose I should just take a deep breath and calm down. Take it one day at a time. Keep part of my heart locked away until he gives me part of his. Make him make the first move, and that way I know when to follow. Leading tends to get me in trouble and people can’t follow because I move too quick or in random ways… Maybe it is time to be patient and follow. Do you think I can do that?

Follow?

Kim