Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Granna,

I think he and I made love last night. I'm not entirely sure if it was because of the cold medication he was on, or if he was tired or what, but it was so gentle and tender, I really didn't know what to think. Afterwards he wrapped his body with mine and just held me for a while and we fell asleep that way. It was very romantic. Not like any of the time before.

I feel myself slipping, Granna. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should fight it kicking and screaming the whole way or if I should just embrace the feelings and go for it... The only problem is, I can't gauge if he feels the same and I'm filled with all of these irrational fears that I am just being used, or there are girls on the side, or he can't possibly feel the same way... but when I'm with him, none of that matters. It is like the whole world stops and we are the only ones in it. It's amazing. And scary.

You know how I am though, I fall in love without thinking and just jump without looking. That is why I'm struggling so hard right now. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to look. I'm clinging to the edge, kicking my feet trying to get a grip on something, and it's just not working. No matter how hard I dig my fingernails into the edge, every time I see him I slip a little more. Will he be there to catch me? Or am I going to fall right on my ass again like so many times before?

This is really a battle. I'm so happy and beside myself all the time when I think about it. But we need to take it slow, right? No point in rushing into anything. Have to make sure whatever I'm feeling now I continue to feel and go from there. As of now, though, I'm addicted to his kiss, I'm addicted to his smell, the feel of him, his voice, his laugh... It's so wonderful and so awful all at once.

I just hope this is real.

Kim