Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Granna,

He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner tomorrow night. Over the weekend he hardly kept in touch with me and I was ready to write him off again. I'm not going to be the weekday girl. He has to make an effort to see me when it is convenient for me and not just convenient for him. I told him I would only go out with him tomorrow if he would come out with me on Friday. I hate to be manipulative like that, but I need to put my foot down. I don't want to think that he is just using me and he is going to have to prove it.

He also intends to take me back to his place tomorrow after dinner. One can only imagine what he has in mind, but I am hesitating now. I wont be his whore. Perhaps I wont even humor him and go back to his place. Just go to dinner and go home from there. I need to learn how to play these games better. I already jumped the gun and gave in to what he wanted, more than likely...so if he wants it again, he's working for it. Then again, how do I know I will be able to resit his advances when he is near me my whole body lights on fire. It it just the idea that I have chemistry with someone that sets me off, or is this how it really is supposed to be?

What it comes down to is I am not into the games. I expect a certain amount of attention, and while this may be casual for him, it certainly is not casual for me. I am trying to do my best to take it slow. We've only been dating for three weeks. At the same time I don't want to waste my time and spend it with him if there isn't potential for something more. I just don't know. I can't get a read off of him.

My friends and family are telling me to just have fun and not put too much emotion into it...the problem is I want to. There's a good guy in there, I know there is, he's just been hurt and he hesitates just like I do. That or that is just the way he manipulates me. I hate feeling like this. I hate having the voices whisper over my shoulder that this isn't real, that it is all bullshit and he is only going to fuck me over in the end.

Why can't things just be straight forward?

I'll write again tomorrow or Wednesday to talk about the date. This will be number four.

Kim