Well, I can't say I have been very adamant about keeping you up-to-date with the goings-on of my life. I suppose every time I have wanted to write I just kept making up excuses as to why I shouldn't. The same story every time, heartbreak, disappointment, nothing much more to say.
2014 has actually not been a bad year, I ended up getting a full time position at the end of 2013 as an Executive Assistant, and surprisingly have not been fired yet, though there have been a few scares due to my own insecurity. I finally got my own place again in the beginning of the year and I can't believe it is almost time to renew my lease again! It is nice to have my own space, not have to worry about picking up after anyone but myself and to be able to decorate it and keep it clean just the way I want it. Not to mention being able to walk around in ratty pajamas and not be embarrassed about it.
It was a good step for me, makes me feel like more of a grown-up, since I had been floundering around it what felt like childhood for so long. I have an adult job, and my own place... seems like things are going in the right direction. Though I still have no luck finding someone to share my life with. Most of the time I am terrified out of my mind that I am being used, and it turns out to be true. Maybe it is because I am creating that whole situation in my head that it actually happens. I even went out of my comfort zone and dated someone who wasn't my type at all, and it turns out even those people can be liars too. Makes me feel as if it is my fate to be alone. Out of all of my siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have SOMEONE to share it with. While there are extreme measures I can take in the future to create my own family, I still hold on to the hope that someday I will find someone who wants to make a family with me. Time is short, however, and I can't wait much longer for the right one to come along. People don't live forever, and I certainly am no exception. As I am beginning to move through my 30s, I have to consider the though of bringing a child into the world before I am too old to do so, and still be able to keep up with them.
It's silly of me, some people are happy with solitude, but I feel like I have so much more to give than just being alone. Maybe that is my lesson in life, to learn to enjoy it alone instead of relying on someone else to make it happy, but it certainly isn't an easy road.
Christmas is upon us tomorrow, and it will be spent with other people in their happiness. Jen with Ryan and the kids, Paul and Khale, Mom and Chris... and then me. Always just me. Hopefully I can make it through the day without the bitterness in my heart bubbling through. The thought of presents does help. A girl can never have too many gifts to make her smile. My Boss surprised me yesterday and gave me a gift, which made me smile. He also included a card with quite a sentimental message that, I daresay, made my heart do a little slip. It is nice when someone expresses emotional attachment to someone even though they rarely show it. Made me smile. If only life was like the movies and he would sweep me off my feet to a life of luxury! It is fun to dream. Perhaps Hollywood has ruined it for all of us. Romance like that only exists in the movies. True love is something people write about because it isn't real. Finding love in general is so, so rare, I am surprised people don't treat each other better when they have it.
So you see, some things have changed, but most things remain the same. The trials and tribulations of my life always come back to the affair of the heart, which is a vile, vile creature. Why haven't we figured out a way to turn it off to prevent us from feeling heartbreak?
I will try to do better at writing more, but I am afraid it is always the same and you will get bored of hearing me complaining. Tell me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Can you please make it that simple?
Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment