For some strange reason for the past few days I have been filled with profound sadness. I am not sure if it is a result of being reminded of my past failings, or if it is the close of 2014 and feeling like I have accomplished very little, even though I most certainly have!
The situation is... a few years back I had met a wonderful guy, he was a gentleman, working on his education, communicated well... it seemed like he would have been the type of guy that would be good to establish a relationship with. Sadly, my mind was not my own at that time and I was being manipulated and very confused about life, so I ended up not pursuing a relationship with him and falling back into the same abusive pattern with Kyle (are we surprised? Sometimes I still fight the urge to go back to it). Fast-forward three (it might even be 4!) years... and he (the gentleman, not the jerk) sends me a text message saying he has finishing his schooling and has returned to San Diego for a time and would like to see me. I, of course, agree, as I tell myself this might be an opportunity to right my past wrongs and actually explore the opportunity to get to know someone on an adult relationship and quite possible establish one. We chatted a little while, and I went to bed with the understanding that we would make some time to get together.
That was Saturday. Tuesday is halfway over and I haven't heard a word out of him. My resolution for 2015 is to not chase unavailable guys who don't want me, so after not hearing from him for a day I deleted his number and have no way to contact him, which I know may have been a little impulsive, but, it was a way to be able to protect myself from messaging him over and over and proving how pathetic and needy I am. So, haven't heard from him, don't have any way to contact him and have been checking my phone impulsively every 10 minutes to see if he has messaged me. What is wrong with me? A normal person would brush it off as someone being busy or just that person simply double-guessing themselves and realizing it was a mistake and not be interested in more. Whatever, move on. Me, I feel like I am being manipulated and toyed with. Like her purposely got my hopes up and does this to me to get revenge for how I made him feel so many years again... And it hurts. I don't know why it hurts so bad but it does. I guess for a minute I thought I could right and wrong and actually get a chance to experience what I stupidly walked away from so many years ago. Instead, I have this aching feeling in my chest and sadness overwhelming me.
I try not to withdraw into myself too much when I feel like this, but with New Year's Eve approaching tomorrow and trying to convince myself to keep my plans... I just don't want to. I want to go home, curl up and do nothing. Why is it so hard to love yourself enough in this world that you can't just brush things off like this? Why can't I just shrug and go "Oh well, his loss," instead of feeling like the biggest POS on the planet? This, of course, all stems back to my non-existent self-esteem, of course. What a wonderful thing to deal with that is! Why can't there just be some switch to just turn off the bad feelings. Most of the time I am able to maintain a certain level of apathy, but this is bothering me badly for some reason.
I suppose I just need to remember that life continues on, and everything I want to accomplish I can by myself. Just need to get through this and stay positive. Guess that is a good start to 2015... trying my best to love myself, regardless of everything.
Kim
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