Dear Granna,
It's funny how for a moment everything can be perfect for you, you can be happy, loved, on the right track, then in an instant that all can change. I'm second guessing myself, I'm opening my mouth when I shouldn't be, I've lost my best friend, my respect for myself, my hope for anything... And I'm back to being where I started at the beginning of all this. Alone. Empty.
Granted, I've still got my goals to focus on. Finishing school, completing the marathon, getting into law school, they just seem so pointless now, when you have no one to share them with. No one to get excited with you, no one to have your back when you need their support. And it hurts. Because for what seemed like forever I had an amazing woman looking out for me, guiding me down the right path, giving me the support and love that I have never gotten from anyone before -- and it's gone. Because of me.
And now I can't focus, I'm bored, I have no one to release all my frustrations to and be completely honest with, someone who actually gets me on a level I never thought anyone could. someone who could see past the darkness in me and know there was a good person. But I guess the darkness won out again this time. I suppose there is no reason feeling sorry for myself, or angry, or depressed...because there is nothing I can do at this point to fix anything. I guess it will just take some time to adjust to being half-empty again. I've lived with it before, I can certainly do it again. Just have to focus on the hard fact that life is difficult, whether we like it or not. Just have to keep chugging along towards that future where I will be able to take care of myself and not depend on anyone to help me along the way. People always say you shouldn't have to face things alone, but I think in this life...maybe I am supposed to.
Like you did, Granna. You lived your life, you raised your family and supported them without help from anyone else. And we come back to wondering if that is really what I am supposed to be taking out of all this.
Kim
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