Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Another year winding down. I look back and I wonder where it went... All of the pain and heartache, the joy and love, the adventure and the boredom... It has been a busy year... But not what I expected.

I wanted this year to be the year where I fell in love, where I could give my heart over to someone who would take care of it. Instead, I fell in love with someone who doesn't want me. Someone who I have given everything to, and he has given me nothing in return. And you get stuck. You think that if you just keep loving them they will eventually come around. If you just keep giving and helping and caring and needing. Just hold on a little longer... But things haven't changed. Things are left unspoken, hearts are left aching, wondering. Oh well. I was there for him during a time when he needed someone to be there for him. As he starts to live his life again, he wont need me anymore, so where will I be then?

This year has been full of up and downs, and as it winds to a close... It makes me wonder what 2010 is going to bring for me. Is it going to be the year of change? The year of love? Happiness? Don't I deserve to be loved and happy? Haven't I paid my dues?

My doctor put me back on medication. Life just...breaks down when I don't have something to balance my chemicals. I want to be happy. I don't want to feel fear or anxiety, I don't want to cry myself to sleep because I am lonely, I just want to be. Even if I feel nothing, it is better than aching.

The paralegal program is done. I'm officially certified (once they review my classes), which opens up a whole new career door for me. I need to get back into the legal field. I need to get paid more. I need to find a job that challenges me mentally, and rewards me. Instead of being stuck in a dead-end job where they treat me like I am nothing. Yes, I think 2010 is going to be a big year of change.

The dance is coming to a close, life is picking up. Things look better already. I can't worry too much about the future, but I hope it delivers me something good.

Kim