Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dear Granna,

I apologize for not writing sooner. If you can believe it, things have not exactly bee going very well. The holidays were good, Christmas I got to spend it with my family, and it made me so greatful to have them. New Year's Eve was with friends, and promptly 10 minutes into the new year, I hurt the person I care about the most. Something was off. He was off. I asked him why. We fought, he screamed at me, I cowered away from him because I was frightened, we cried, he said he didn't want anything from me, he felt sorry for me, but he didn't know what he would do without me. There was a lot of alcohol involved. Taking some of it with a grain of salt, the rest, letting it fester in my heart to build up the strength to stand up to him.

Once sobriety set in a couple days later, I asked him what was going to happen when he met another girl... That I didn't know what I would do... he said I didn't have to worry about that, that he was happy here. He said he doesn't have it in him to care about a relationship, that every one he has been in has been drama. That Ana took a piece of his heart and it still hurt him, he still dwelled on it. His brother has a kid, his sister got married, so he feels that he doesn't need to do either. It's a shame. I don't know if I'm happy with this, or if I can be happy with this, but I enjoy his companionship and am going to take it one day at a time. It hurts sometimes, but the rest of the time it is joyful. What else can you ask for?

Liz isn't coming home. That was the one thing I was looking forward to for 2010, but she's going out on her own journey to find her muse. All I can do is be supportive and love her through thick and thin, it's just hard because I was ready for our happily ever after.

Other than that, work is slowly killing me inside. The drugs the doctor put me on did not work, and I started having panic attacks. I am sedated while the new drugs start to kick in. Which I hate. Because I don't feel anything. I can't wait until I can feel something again. Sadness, joy, whatever. Instead of just being here but not really being here.

The outlook for 2010 is looking a little dark, but I need to stay positive. I'm job hunting, taking care of my certification paperwork, trying to figure out my debt, just ready for a new start. Ready to get my life under control and dig myself out of this hole that I've been in for the past three years. Every now and again I have moments of clarity where I feel like I'm not lost anymore, like I can do this, the rest of the time I'm drowning. One of these days I'll get it figured out. One of these days things wont be so hard. One of these days...

Kim