Monday, February 15, 2010

Dear Granna,

I'm sick, Granna. Nothing is working right with me. My head is screwy, my body is rejecting everything... I just want to lay in bed and not wake up. And they don't know what is wrong with me. Hospital trips, doctor's trips, a smattering of tests, and still nothing. Pills, pills, pills... and nothing.

At what point do you just say you're done?

I'm tired of being sick and depressed. I'm tired of work and Kyle causing me to feel like I'm worthless. I'm just tired in general. I want to be loved, and needed, wanted, adored, treated like I deserve, instead of shit on. That's all I've ever been in my life... shit on. When is it going to be time for my happiness? When is it going to be my time to finally build up the courage to stand up for myself and say, "You know what, no, fuck you." And move on. Instead of holding onto this helplessness, this feeling of worthlessness.

How long do you fight? How long do you look at a situation and think to yourself, if I just hold on, just a little more... Maybe, just maybe... When do you finally wake up and realize that it's only you. You're the one that is going to have to walk away. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work out, no matter how much it breaks your heart, you have to move on. I have to move on.

Otherwise I will never grow. I will never find the true love and happiness I'm looking for. I just wish when I thought about letting go it didn't make me sick. Someone is such an important part of your life for so long, but you realize nothing is happening but being used. Being hurt. Being beat down to the point where you're too weak... And I can't do this.

He's pushing me away. I'm pushing back. It's not worth my health and my sanity to fight for something that doesn't want me. It's not worth it. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was. But it's not. I have loved him desperately for two years. I have waited on him, I have waited for him. Tried to heal his physical and mental wounds, and only ended up opening more wounds in myself. It's the first time in my life where I have honestly thought that helping someone wasn't worth it. I gained nothing.

I just have to be steadfast in this. Because the cycle is he'll reel me back in... but I can't do it. It hurts. I hurt. I'm broken. And he knows it. And he doesn't care.

So I don't care. Not anymore.

Kim