Monday, March 29, 2010

Dear Granna,

I am still mulling the past couple days over in my head. I'm not quite sure how I feel about what happened. I'm not quite sure if I should ask about it or just let it go. Kyle finally admitted we were in a relationship. It wasn't a romantic moment, I think it just came out, and we both just kind of brushed it under the rug. The previous night he had been joking about having one of his friends bring home some bitches, and I had been poking fun at him the next morning while I was brushing my teeth. I told him to be careful with those bitches because they would want a relationship and he was lucky that I wasn't asking for one. He retorted, "What do you think this is? Lets stop fooling ourselves and call it what it really is." My heart at that moment stopped. I didn't say anything, I just let it roll around in my head and brushed it off.

Should I talk to him about it or should I let it go? I'm afraid if we talk about it he's going to turn tail and run and I'll lose him. But if I don't talk about it... what then? By him saying we're in a relationship what am I supposed to assume? Am I his girlfriend? He said we do things that friends don't do. I'm in with his family and his friends, I sleep over, we go through ups and downs with one another, life, money, family... All this time I thought I was just being a good friend and we both got some benefit out of it.

For two years I've waited for him to put us into a new category. For two years I've stood by broken hearted while he talked about his exes and about the girl he dated while we were on a "break" ... I've nursed him through a life changing event, I've helped him through family and money troubles, I've tolerated the way he has treated me... And finally when I'm working up the strength to move on, to branch out and find someone that is going to treat me right... He throws this on the table.

I'm stunned. Speechless. Dumbfounded. I think that is mostly why nothing came out when he said it. Is this really the dynamic change I wanted? Is this really what I've been fighting for for so long... Or am I just falling for another one of his games? I love him, he knows that, I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't turn the other cheek when I'm suffering from his emotional abuse. Will this new revelation change the way things are between us? I don't know. It's so confusing. So frustrating. I want to just talk to him about it, but of course he got bad news about his family last night... So I guess it will just have to wait.

I've been waiting this long already.

Kim