Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Fuck my neediness. Fuck my longing to be needed and wanted and loved. Fuck clinging to things too hard and smothering them. Fuck everything that makes me, me. Everything that I want, everything I hope for, everything that I love... I always drive it away. I don't know how to be calm and patient. I don't know how to relax. I try. I really, really try. But in the end, I always ruin things. I always push too far.

In the deepest part of my heart, I feel so sorry for Kyle for having ever met me. And I don't blame him for shutting me out. I would shut me out too. Even though I always give everything I can to people, there always is a consequence. I get dependant. I get anxious. And I fall apart. The smart ones run away. I am like a tornado in people's lives, and once I've sufficiently driven them crazy, then it is time for them to take anchor and send me away.

I am an emotional rollercoaster with a primal need to be loved. But I always want to be loved by the ones that I can't have. I am driven by unrealistic hope and when reality finally sets in, it is like a crushing weight on me. I wish I could let go. I wish I could breathe. I wish my heart didn't ache. I tried so hard. I pushed too hard. And in the end...what do I have? Nothing.

I am going to miss the laughter and the smiles. I am going to miss feeling at home with a wonderful group of people. I'm going to miss his smell, his taste, his warm body...everything. But he doesn't need me. He doesn't need this. No one does. I am so pathetic. I am so weak. Why can't I be strong like you? Why do I let the tears flow freely? Why am I so much like my mother? I am at the bottom of a karma wheel that I will never get out of. For all the awful things I have done, this is what I deserve. Silence.

I just wanted to be cared about.

Kim