Monday, March 9, 2009

Dear Granna,

How do we grieve? I mean, what is the proper way to do so? Do we cry? Do we celebrate? Should we be with family? Should we be alone? No matter how many times death happens in my family, I never quite know what to do.

Yesterday morning, Ryan's father passed away. He had been fighting cancer for the past year, but it was finally time to go. My heart aches for the loss of Jen and Ryan, and Ciaran. And I don't know how to grieve. It is not that I am grieving for Dan, I didn't know him well enough to really feel a big loss, but I am saddened by the loss of his life and the effect it is having on this family. Jen is trying to be strong for Ryan, but when I talk to her I can hear the shake in her voice, and it just makes me break down entirely. Why does death have to be so hard? Why do good people have to die so young?

I tried to stay active yesterday, keep my mind off things, and I am thankful for my friends who helped me through the day. But once all the activity was gone, my mind started to wander, and I was a sobbing mess, simply because I wish I could take the pain away from Jen and Ryan. Take it and deal with it so they don't have to grieve. But I can't. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do. They both have to heal on their own and I have to try to be strong for them. But it is hard. Because apparently I have compassion for everyone and everything and when I see people hurting, it tears me up inside. Is that a weakness? Caring for everything around you? Treating life like it is precious and mourning when it gets snuffed out?

I guess we all deal with death in different ways. I just hope this experience helps make me strong, so when it happens again in my lifetime I will be a little more well-adjusted. Fewer tears will be shed, my heart wont ache as much... and I wont wish to feel nothing.

Kim