Monday, March 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

He is pushing me away right now. Not affectionate, not responsive, avoiding me. I don't know if it is that I am smothering him, if he is getting bored of me (we've been down this road before) or what. Ontop of that, he found out on Saturday that his grandfather had a heart-attack, and suddenly I was having flashbacks of losing you and emotions ran wild. I want to take the pain and fear away from him, I want to help him through this like he helped me through the ordeal with Ryan's Dad, but he is just closing me out. And I don't know what to do. My nature is to protect him, but I am wondering if I should step back. I know the hardest thing is not knowing. The next hardest thing is regret...for not being there. I offered him any help I could give, and without thought of reciprocation, or any personal gain, I offered to take him out to Nevada and let him visit with his Grandfather. My biggest regret was not seeing you before you passed, and I don't want him to live with that.

But he has to make that choice on his own. All I can do is offer. And hope that he will let me in enough so that I can walk beside him so he doesn't feel alone. Granted, he has his family and his friends, but I'd like to hope that I have a part in his life as well. I am so tired of this death and dying, I'm tired of seeing people I care about hurt. Why can't I just take it all away from them so they don't have to?

Though, my other question to myself is... why do I invest myself emotionally in someone who may not even want me around? I guess we'll see what his response is. So far I have heard nothing from him, not positive or negative response to my wanting to help. I just need to breathe.

Kim