Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dear Granna,

I do not understand men at all. One minute you think everything is okay, the next minute they are making excuses and putting the halt on all of your plans. Originally Kyle and I were supposed to get together this weekend to go to LA on Friday. That trip was cancelled so he could visit his grandfather for half a day on Friday. Yesterday that half day became a whole day, and he is probably spending the night, and then through Saturday. He just seemed really avoidant when I asked him to keep me posted about when he is coming home. I joked with him and told him I wished I could go hang out with his family because I adored them, and he said, "Trust me, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future." What does that mean? Is that his way of just appeasing me right now because I feel abandoned, or does that mean I'm going to be in his life long enough to continue to visit with his family? I just don't get him at all. How can he say something like that, but then not make solid plans to see me any time soon? So, I did what I always do when I want to fly below the radar. I deleted his number out of my phone, and every possible way to contact him. Maybe a few days without me will be good for him. I know it is going to be good for me. I'm going to go running, hang out with my roommates, see my horse, have lunch with one of my besties who is coming down from Berkley... Who knows what else. I think the thing I will miss the most is just waking up beside him in the morning. I just like having someone there with me to pet me back to sleep when I'm startled awake by a horrible nightmare. Someone's body heat to share when I'm cold, someone to rub noses with in the morning when I am trying to get him up... Maybe he is just convinced I am only in it for the sex. I wish he understood.

I have also been having this weird sensation on my left hand. Every now and again I will panic when I rub my left ring and middle finger together because it feels like I am missing something there. The strange part is, I haven't had a ring on that finger for as long as I can remember. Not since I was engaged to Nick, really. So why all of the sudden is my brain convinced something should be there? Beth thinks that it is my brain searching for some kind of comfort and I should replace the feeling with an actual ring to see if it alleviates the panic. Liz thinks that it could be a premonition of sorts...but honestly, who is going to propose to me, if not her? It is just strange. Just thinking about it makes me rub my fingers together and search for the cold metal that should be there, but isn't. What is wrong with me, Granna? Am I projecting?

I got tired of wearing flat shoes. I had been doing it because it was supposed to give my shins a break from all the work I had been doing on them. But I miss being tall. I miss having a heel that makes my legs look long and slender. I miss feeling sexy. I haven't been feeling sexy enough lately. Even though multiple people have commented that I am looking thinner, and everyone really likes the darker hair color. I just...I don't know. So I've started a new routine in the morning. Wash the face, put on anti-wrinkle cream, and some stuff to help with the bags under my eyes. Put on make-up when I feel like it, so that I can just feel attractive. I don't know, rejection always makes me feel ugly. But I have to remember it is not always about physical beauty. I have a beautiful personality and a kind soul. People will sense that in me, and they will look past my shallow exterior. It is funny, because for the first time in my life I am really becoming critical of my physical appearance. Perhaps it is because of all the physical and emotional changes I have been through. I've never felt beautiful enough, or skinny enough, or good enough. Even with all the progress I've made, sometimes I still don't feel that way. Is that Mom in me? She has trained us our whole life that we want to look like the models, we want to be beautiful to obtain a handsome man that will take care of us... It is so hard to get over that training. I wish I could just be happy being me.

Sigh. I don't know anymore, Granna. I thought all of my good things that I have been doing lately would have spun my Karma wheel and suddenly good things would start happening to me, but it seems I am still at the bottom.

Oh well, I just need to keep my chin up and my chest out and stay positive, right? It could always be worse.

Kim