Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Granna,

I can't believe it is a new year already. Last year was so...hard. But when I look back on it, it went by so quickly. Granted, at times when my heart was aching, time couldn't go fast enough. Now that I am here, I almost wished I had savored more moments in my life. It is why I try to savor them now. To enjoy all of the little things, because someday I might not be able to. I try to focus on the good things, like the feel of my sheets and comforter when I wake up in the morning and don't have to get out of bed...the way the sun licks my cheeks on a cold day and warms me up just a little bit, the way my eyes will flash gold when the light hits them just right... how good it feels to hug a loved one, or look down at my smiling nephew. It is all these things that make me really appreciate that I am alive. I am so very lucky.

2008 was a year of change. Of growth. Of new direction. Discovering things about myself that I didn't know, and getting rid of things about myself that I didn't need. I am trying to be more patient, more kind, more respectful, more loving. I had done such a good job of walling myself up, that I forgot how good it felt to just...love people. To care for them. To give to them. I really enjoy that aspect of my life.

And then there is the...frustrating aspect of my life. Kyle is doing well. He is making huge leaps in his recovery. Next week he is going to get x-rays again to see how his bones are healing and if he will need additional surgery. We rang in the New Year together and fell asleep in each other's arms. We have our moments when it really feels like we are opening up to one another and this might actually go somewhere, and then we have our moments where he completely shuts me out and we're back to bickering and me remembering why we aren't together in the first place. I know love is patient and kind, so I am trying to be as caring for him as I can without falling too deeply for him. My resolve just breaks down so much when he wraps me in his arms and just holds me for no other reason than to just hold me. We spend a lot of time together. We sleep together. His family already thinks we're in a relationship, all of his friends think we are in a relationship...but why do we both hesitate about just stating the obvious - we're good for one another. I can't let this get out of hand. I need to not expect anything, that way if nothing does happen, then I wont be disappointed.

But he still does things that absolutely shock me. Yesterday we were on a little outing, driving down to the scene of the accident. He hadn't been there since he was laying on the ground waiting for the ambulance. On the way we had been talking about engagements, and how his previous fiance had said yes, then changed her mind two weeks later. I assured him that the next person he proposed to wouldn't say no and change her mind, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Will you marry me?" I laughed and patted him on the leg and told him yes, and he laughed, but withdrew into his thoughts again. I know it was meant as a joke, but why would he say something like that? It is so strange. And then experiencing the accident scene, finding pieces of his bike, seeing the skid marks and the ambulance tracks, trying to piece together how it all happened... It was such an honor to be able to share that with him. That he would want to do it with me, and no have anyone else there.

I don't know. I'm just...I'm just trying to stay apathetic towards the whole thing. If you don't get your hopes up, you aren't disappointed, right? I've got more important things to focus on. I've got the Marathon (which I am signed up for now), and I've got to start studying for the LSAT again so I can apply to law school this year. I might not be into law school until next year, but at least I will be well on my way. Hell, if I am an attorney before 35, I will be happy.

So, here is 2009. Another set of huge challenges I have set for myself. But I can do it.

Kim