Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dear Granna,

Yesterday was the 8th Anniversary of Dick's death. The whole day I had been feeling rather blue and crying for no reason, and only when Mom told me what day it was did my mood all of the sudden make sense. I decided to help deal with the grieving process I would write him a letter as well:

Dear Dick,

Eight years. I can't believe that so much time has passed since you last were with us. One would think after all of this time the wound would close and we wouldn't feel the guilt or the loss, but can you ever really forget the people that so dramatically change your life? For the past eight years I have lived with the guilt of how I treated you while you were alive, and in a sense it makes me feel as if I contributed to your death. If I only had been nicer, if I hadn't always caused you so much anger and pain, would you still be with us? I have been told that I need to forgive myself. At that age, it isn't uncommon for teenagers to be in a whirlwind of emotions like I was all the time. But I should have known better. I feel like I should have been more of an adult and maybe things would have been different.

You always taught me to work hard and to shoot for the stars. I wanted to be a cardiologist so that I could figure out a way to fix your heart condition. You helped me get into the most prestigious pre-med program in San Diego, and paid the $16,000 tuition for the first semester without question. You read my book and commented on it, and said I should do what makes me happy and that I had talent. You knew that I was destined for great things, and that changed me in so many ways, when no one else believed in me, you did and taught me to believe in myself. At the time it seems like I wasn't very thankful to you. I took your generosity without any hesitation and took advantage of that. You did so much without ever questioning the what, where or why, because, no matter how much I denied it, you loved us. You loved me.

Have I become the person you had always hoped I would become? I don't know. Right now I am so lost, but finding my way seems easier knowing that maybe now I can let that wound heal and forgive myself for all of the wrongs I did to you. I have to forgive myself, the weight of my youth bears down on me so much I can't breathe. But what does it solve? You can't change the past. You can only use those lessons and move forward. Regardless of everything that happened, everything I did, everything happened for a reason, and maybe you never blamed me for everything. So it is time to stop blaming myself.

You are missed. You were loved, and still are. Without you I wouldn't have had the guidance I needed to grow into a strong woman who takes life by the horns and accomplishes her goal. Thank you, for everything you did and continue to do. Your lessons were not ignored, your words not forgotten and the love will never be denied.

Yours,
~K

I just need some closure after all these years. Maybe this will help me heal.

~Kim