Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dear Granna,

Things have been a little... well, chaotic since I last wrote you. I don't know, a lot of changes. After the official Kyle/Kim breakup... since, while I do love him desperately, he doesn't want what I want... I decided it was time for a change. I cut off all my hair. I now have a pseudo-bob and everyone agrees it makes me look much more sophisticated and sexy. I just needed a change. I needed to get back in touch with the strong woman who is powerful and confident, and having a change of the hair really does help. I had been beated down so far for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself. Now if only I could motivate myself to get off my butt and go to the gym, then I would be double proud of myself. Baby steps, I suppose!

I also have been spending a lot of time with a good female friend who is keeping me distracted, and helping me get back in touch with the inner-bitch I used to have. Granted, she has gotten me into trouble a few times, I still appreciate her help.

Last Friday I had my first one night stand. Now, at the time, I was proud of myself. Picking up a handsome fellow at the bar...taking him home, that sort of thing. It made me feel sexy and wanted. First new person I have been with for a couple years. Awkward, nerve-wracking, but I did it. The only problem is... a couple days later I found out he was married and had a very, very pregnant wife. It just goes to show you you can't trust a thing that comes out of a filthy man's mouth. They never tell the truth, do they? So, now I don't know how I feel about it. If I ever go out to a bar again, I'm definitely going to be a LITTLE more cautious about who I bring home. Maybe even facebook said person before I do. It is amazing what a social networking site can show you.

Ontop of that, I'm engaged. Or, engaged to be engaged. I'm not quite sure what it is. But, I have a male friend I have been talking to for a long time, who claims he is desperately in love with me and wants to get married and have babies and give me everything I ever wanted, and I am in love with the idea of him... But I guess we'll see what happens when he comes back from being deployed. Three more months. In three months he can change his mind. But he is steadfast in the idea that he wants to marry me. If nothing else, it's like a contract marriage, where I will get all the benefits of being a military wife, and still have my own room. Just the idea of settling down and starting a family is very appealing to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Especially when I am in a rut and feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. Maybe being a mother is what I am meant to do. So, we'll see. But for the time being, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm not making any promises. And I want a big ring, dammit.

So, that is what has been going on. Aside from male drama, I'm doing pretty well. Taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my chin up while I drown in bills and worry about my roommates kicking me out for not paying rent on time... It will get easier, right? It has to.

Kim