Friday, April 9, 2010

Dear Granna,

Things are up and down with me. Sometimes I'll have an incredibly good day, and someone will inevitably bring it down. I don't appreciate that my siblings treat me so poorly and have to beat me down every time they're having a bad day as well. It makes it difficult for me to even want to spend time with them. Which is hard, because I love Ciaran to death, but not wanting to be around Jen makes it incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with him. She's just so bitter about life. And because she's miserable, she has to make sure everyone else is miserable too. On Easter, I got dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... And I was quite proud of myself. I asked Mom if she noticed, and Jen immediately said, "What do you want? An award for putting on make-up?" I don't usually get dressed up. I've been working really hard not to be so "frumpy" lately. Care about my appearance a little more... But when Jen makes comments like that it makes me so angry. Apparently, I'm just a social reject that can't be praised for anything I do. I just wish people would help me build up my self-esteem, instead of constantly bashing me down so they feel better about themselves. But you can't choose your family, can you?

Mom and I talked about Jack last night. She's been with me the entire adventure, and I told her Jack wanted to get married when he got back from Afghanistan. I told her I wasn't sure about it... I love the idea of him, but I need to be with him in order to develop that passionate love for him. She said that sometimes you learn to love people, and he is offering stability and the life I want (home, family, etc.). And she said if it didn't work out, I can always get a divorce, that is the beauty of marriage. Though, she is not keen on the idea of us moving to Nebraska, which I am trying to delay as long as possible. And I want Jack to get an education. Originally he wanted to go to medical school, now he thinks he is too dumb to do so... I hate to be shallow, but an education is important to me. He can get the GI Bill to pay for it, so he has no reason NOT to go. Even if it is to just get a 4-year degree. I told him it would be a deal breaker if he just quit at the idea of school. I want someone who has an education to match my own, or at least is pretending to care. Is that horrible of me? He said he would go to school for me, but do I want to be the bad guy? I guess we'll see how everything works out in the end. He might turn out hating me. Who knows. Relationships are always different when you're living with someone.

I keep thinking about Kyle... about how we could have made it work if he just opened his heart to me, but he never would have. I miss him. I miss being able to tell him everything and waking up next to him in the morning. We're going to have a BBQ this weekend with some friends, I just feel awkward every time I'm around him, because I want him to wrap his arms around me like he used to. Those feelings will go away, right? I suppose I'm in an emotional limbo, waiting for Jack to get home, and still wanting a companion. Everything is going to be a whirlwind when Jack gets home... if he comes home. That is the one problem with waiting for someone in the military. You never know if they will come home to you.

Just trying to stay afloat right now. Tried to apply for donating eggs for money, but I'm not qualified. Applied for a couple freelance writing/editing gigs and waiting to hear back, and still waiting for my dream legal job to come through, while barely being able to pay my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be about? Struggle? Because I am LIVING it if it is. Regardless, I wish you were here to tell me it was going to be okay. Or to stop bitching and pull myself up by the bootstraps... Because you struggled too, didn't you? You were so strong, and you did it without ever complaining. Someday I'll make it... Someday I'll be like you. Right now it just seems hard.

Kim