Friday, February 11, 2011

Dear Granna,

I miss the innocence of youth. Being naive. Easily in love, easily out of love. Life was just so much more simple when all you had to worry about was school and friends. Being an adult... it is not at all what I imagined it would be.

I'm drowning, Granna. I can't get ahead in life. I can't get ahead in anything. I was diagnosed as bipolar, so I am being heavily medicated for that, on top of that, I need surgery on my arm from the accident in August, I can't find a decent job, my degree is worth nothing, I keep getting into situations where people take advantage of me and make empty promises... Even Mom says I deserve a break because it is just one bad thing after the next.

Or is this my lesson in this lifetime? To struggle, because in my last life I had it easy? Jen has the house, husband and kid... Paul is getting a job in Washington, where if he doesn't fuck around, he'll be very well taken care of... and I have... an unfinished book, a horrible job, no place of my own, no dreams, no love... Can you see why I need drugs to survive? Everything I hoped I would have accomplished by now is so far beyond my reach... Will I ever accomplish anything beyond my own failures? All I can do is sigh heavily when I think about it and wonder is it worth it to keep going?

Send me a break, Granna. Something to keep me going. I'm drowning.

Kim