Friday, June 24, 2011

Dear Granna,

I realize my letters have been less and less frequent. It could be because I have been busy, but the other part of me is because I am ashamed of who I have become and I'm not sure I want to tell you about my day-to-day happenings, for fear you will look down on me somehow. I know in life we're supposed to make mistakes, and believe me, I am making many of them.

Work is alright. Just... work... My quest for a new job has been halted since my current company has decided to give me a significant raise. So now I am searching for a job that will pay me as much, but in this economy, it is unlikely. So I have to just keep on keeping on in hopes that things will turn out for the best. This isn't going to be my career, it is merely a stepping stone in life to get me on the right path. The problem is, what path do I choose?

I was looking back on old letters I wrote to you in 2007, about love lost and making poor decisions and I realized how much of a child I was... How much I gave up because I was stupid and young. Now the weight of that realization is crushing because I love something I can never have again, and that may very well have been my soul mate. All of the chasing I have done of the wrong people was just trying to fill the void that was left by losing something that I held so close to me in my heart, I didn't realize how much he meant to me until I had a chance to grow up. And now I see him struggling. I see him trying to figure out his place in life and love and it makes my heart ache and I yearn to be with him again. I know I can make him happy. I know we can be happy. But there is someone else. So what do I do? Wait and see if fate decides to bring us together again, or close the doors to my heart and never seek that sort of love again? The kind of love that people in the universe search for that may never find it. I had it. I lost it. Gods, I would give anything to have it again. We had a plan. We had a future. I wish I could take back the mistakes I made. To cement the love again, instead of living in uncertainty.

Time will only tell, I suppose. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. But will my heart be empty for a lifetime if fate decides we are not supposed to be together?

Kim