Friday, October 26, 2012

Dear Granna,

I have to admit, I haven't been as adamant about writing to you as I should have been. I should be. I feel like I am losing my connection to you and the world around me. So much has happened, so much heartache and disappointment, so much struggling... It's a wonder I have even made it this far at all.

I'll try to catch you up as painlessly as possible. The end of November, 2011, I officially ended the wasted time and emotion of three years of my life. I realized how naive I was, and how unhealthy the whole situation had been... And I just couldn't do it anymore. The realization of him never being who I wanted and needed him to be, how he would be with me and other girls and leave everything in the open with photographic evidence... Even then I choked back the hurt and tried to be diligent in proving my loyalty to him, and it just was too much. Too many times had I been cast aside when some more entertaining toy came along, and all of my devotion and time to him had meant nothing to him. So why keep hurting myself? I had already suffered long and hard... and I just... disappeared. Haven't looked back since. I'm surprised in the strength I had to go through with it and to stick with it. The cycle would have continued perpetuating itself since he obviously got enjoyment out of whatever he could get. Regardless, done.

In March or 2012 I got laid off from work after I spent some time as a mental hospital in October/November. Those were an interesting few weeks, to learn about myself and how messed up I really was, and to try to start to fix it... I'm still not fixed. Now I just hide it better. But with the loss of my job, it was a relief and yet I was still terrified... with the economy the way it is... being without a job is horrible. I did get a temp job a couple months later, and then in September I got a wonderful opportunity to expand my legal knowledge and possibly point my career in the right direction. So far it has been interesting, but definitely a lot left to learn!

My romance life has been awful. Briefly dated a younger, abusive male, who decided to use my dog as a punching bag (she had back surgery in November, and this was in January/February) so needless to say that wasn't a healthy situation for the two of us. He left with many insults and hurtful words, but I have survived. Though I still hold those hateful things in my heart, always afraid someone else will do the same thing. Beep is doing fine, by the way, she is fully recovered from her surgery, she still is a little wobbly sometimes, but I would sacrifice anything for her, so the money I spent was well worth keeping my dog with me. She's the only consistent thing I have in my life. Almost 8 years with her... Maybe I get my attachment to animals from you, since you loved your cats so much. The idea of pets just being animals and not people is just silly to me.

Since the horrible dating experience above, I have gone out on countless first dates with more men that I can remember and things have just not panned out. I make up excuses as to why they are shallow or afraid of a serious relationship, but in my mind it's me who is the problem. I'm too fat, or too needy, I'm not pretty enough, or not "girly" enough. I hear everyone say it's not me, it's not me, the right one will come, but I am honestly afraid that the right one got away. I forced him away... And I will have to live with that painful remembrance, alone, for the remainder of my life.

Don't judge me too harshly because I know you didn't like organized religion, but I found church to be extremely helpful during my darkest days and still try to be active in the community and learn and worship with like-minded people. I don't know where it's going to take me, but believing in something is better than believing in nothing, right? Rather feel like there is going to be a happy ending, then just disappearing into nothingness.

I'll try to write more... I forgot how much I enjoyed sharing with you, knowing you would smile and nod your all-knowing head, and love me all the same, good or bad. There's still a piece of me missing... but we'll be together again someday, I hope.

With Love,

Kim